I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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