I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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