Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
