I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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