he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
