i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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