The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
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New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
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They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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