I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
