He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
