alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
