Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We need a shit load of segways right now
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
