You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
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We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
