i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
