Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
there's paper in my vomit.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
