Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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