I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
