you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
