I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
