I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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