he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
