we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
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