road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
