and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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