I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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