my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
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