I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
