ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Randomize
