My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
