My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
