I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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