I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
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