There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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