Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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