Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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