Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
