I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
