I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
