My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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