I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
