I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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