She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
