I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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