Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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