is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
