She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
