Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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