he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
