I cannot find my penis.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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