I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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