in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
