If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Randomize
