Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
