There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
