I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
pray to the hookup gods
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
