we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
