She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
